Jenn's Blog

7 months have passed and it still feels like yesterday.  I wish he was here with me, Corey, I wish I could see you.  The only time that I see you is when I get on the computer, and go to all the different sites, with different pics, videos, and stuff, or in my dreams.  I  want you to actually come to me for once, come see me, come talk to me, with me… Let me know that you are ok.  I know you are, but I want to see it for myself.. I want  to know that you’re alright.  I want to see it for myself.  Show me a sign that you’re here…. You have visited other people, I want to be that lucky too.. Come visit me, please! come see me… I need you.

The Pain

I hurt my self, to see if I still feel the pain..
The pain you caused..
The pain I’ve endured….
I wanted to see if I still felt anything at all..
I wanted to see if I still could feel you…
The pain you left… the pain you bore…
I wanted to see if I could still feel you here…

I cut myself to see if the pain was real…
To see if it would subside…
To see my greatest fears..
My feelings have never changed… they will never fade..
They will always be,
My greatest fear is losing you….
and my biggest fear is me.

~Mine~

I let my emotions get the best of me…
I wish you were a friend to me….
I need to let it go…
I need to let YOU go…

I try to change my mind..
I try not to think of you..
I just can’t get you out of my head….
I just can’t get you out of my mind……

When we used to talk.
We used to laugh
We used to play…
We had good times….and bad..

I let my emotions get the best of me…
I wish you were a friend to me…
I need to let it go….
I just can’t change history…

I wish I could go back in time..
To when you and I were fine…
When we used to laugh..
When we used to have a good time…

I wish you were mine……………………………….

My heart..

Ease

I hurt  to ease the pain
to feel the pain
to see the pain

I hurt inside and out
my heart aches for those who don’t love
for those who can’t love
for those that don’t show it…

My heart bleeds for love,
aches for love
needs for love…

I yearn  to feel the pain
to ease the pain
to see the pain

I need it
I want it
I desire it….

How

How did I let you get to me
How did  I not see
How did I let you hurt me…
How do I make it be

I let you in
I let down my guards
I let you down
I let me down

How did I let  you hurt me so
How did I not let you know
Why didn’t I see what was happening
Why couldn’t I stop it from being so

I let you in
I let you down,
I let you in
I let me drown…..

~Suicidal Tendencies~

I tend to think of bad things
of hurting myself, or others even
I tend to think of negativities,
and often want to end it all

I have had many dreams
few of which come true
I just feel that if I end it all
Then you won’t feel this too.

I cut myself to ease the pain
to feel the pain inside.
I cut myself to ease my mind
but still the pain never subsides…

The dreams they fade,
But still I’m left alone
Until the day,
I finish it….

~Hate~

I hate the pain you make me feel
I hate the pain, but it is so real
I hate the hurt I feel inside
I hate it so bad, I just want to die

I hate this life
I hate what it’s become
I hate the pain I feel
My hate just feels so real

I hate this shit you put me through
I hurt inside and it’s all because of you
I hate this pain you’ve made me feel
I hate this pain that feels so real

You made me hate
you made me cry
You made me wish
that I would just die

You left me alone
alone in the cold
you left me sad and blue
You left me with this pain that I feel for you

Why can’t you just take it all back
Make it all go away
Take this hurt and pain
Take it back to the way it was
Just like yesterday

I just want to hide away forever
I just want to stay in this hurt forever
I can’t make you change
I can’t change your mind
So maybe I will just hide.

~The Blade~

A blade so sharp
A blade so cold
A blade so sharp
Only you can control

It feels so good
when it cuts so deep
the scars they will heal
the wounds you will keep

You make this cut
deep into the skin
you try not to think
of what you will win

you try and you try
but you just can’t stop
you try and you try
but you don’t want to stop

You make this cut
you know it will scar
but you know it will heal
but the wound will go far

~Sometimes~

Sometimes I feel like I am your world
And sometimes I feel like no one
I feel as if there could be another
And then I know I am the only one

I sometimes think you hate me
I sometimes feel that more
I know that you couldn’t
but then you call me a whore

We fuss we fight
we love, all night
we scream and yell
and slam the doors

We always seem to make up
we always seem to get better
just to wait for the next time
or when you write that letter.

I know that when we argue
sometimes it makes things better
But I don’t like your tone of voice
couldn’t we have made a better choice?

I know that we will always be
Unless we always lie
But if you left me one day
Deep down inside I would die.